We all have so many things going on in our lives, and it can take a toll on us physically and emotionally. At any given moment we can feel overwhelmed and just become emotionally drained.
My Younger Years
Growing up I was a pretty shy kid. I was afraid of just about everything, especially people. I felt like someone was out to get me, beat me up or hurt me in some way. I didn’t make friends easily and spent a lot of my time alone.
My biological father was a drug addict, so he wasn’t there much. I was raised by my mother and my grandmother till around the age of three. My mother started seeing a man who liked to do drugs and drink and was known to be a ladies man. So over a number of years I grew up around the drinking and drugs though I didn’t know then what those things were.
Still shy and afraid of people I did have a couple friends. Most of the friends I did have were family members, cousins and such, and a couple non-family members that lived close by. Even though I had friends T.V. Was always my best friend.
My mom worked as a waitress in the mornings and my grandmother was a cook who worked nights. So most of my time was spent watching TV and eating, needless to say I was overweight and that didn’t help me emotionally. I had no self-esteem at all. I was made fun of most of the time and bullied as a young kid.
When there was no school I could stay up late and watch TV till I fell asleep. I was a very curious child and went through my parents things when they were sleep, but my step dad kept porn magazines under the couch, which I happened to find one night while watching TV. This is my first impression of sex and I was probably only about seven or eight.
I found myself obsessed with looking at it. In fact by age ten I was touching myself and other girls. I didn’t know this was wrong at the time because no one even knew what was going on. I only knew that if you have sex you will have a baby.
Becoming A Teenager
I reached my teen years and my dad went to jail for drugs for about a year or so. At this time I had two sisters and a brother. I felt like I became the man of the house because I had to help my mom with taking care of my siblings. It was hard sometimes but I really didn’t do anything anyway.
In jail my father found Jesus. Now most people do find Jesus in jail being that those people are down-and-out and have nowhere to turn to, but it was different with him. He truly wanted to change his life, change our life. So when he got out we went to church twice a week and had bible study in our home. I was fourteen and it was definitely different from what the normal was. Some times I really didn’t want to go. Getting up early on Sunday was not fun for me because remember I had come accustom to staying up late watching TV.
My dad totally changed, he began giving to the needy helping anyone who needed it. He forgave the person who had a hand in him going to jail. I even got my first job working with that man who got my father taken away. Eventually my dad became a minister and it was all about god in our house. Being a teenager we bumped heads a lot. I grew out of my shyness and started doing what my peers were doing.
By the time I was sixteen I was drinking and smoking pot, and I had a girlfriend that was pregnant. So I had my first child at seventeen. I dropped out of school had a full time job and had gotten married thinking it was the right thing to do, and moved out of my parents house. From there I began drinking and smoking on a regular basis because I could do what I wanted to do. I stopped going to church and lived in darkness.
Grown Up But Not
At nineteen the drinking and drugging are getting worse. I enjoy the partying and hanging out. No longer shy and definitely not when I’m drinking I have the whole world to experience. With my failed marriage behind me I move on eventually having two more kids with another woman then three with another for a total of six. All these years and I manage to have nothing but kids I couldn’t afford and habits that were hard to break.
Most of my life I just drank and worried about what people thought about me and when the police were gonna find me because I couldn’t keep up with the child support payments. I was an emotional train wreck, worried about what I had done to myself and others in my life. My dad passed away it got worse. I was so ashamed I never went around my family. I could live across the street from my mom and not see her for months.
I remembered what I learned in church and from my dad. When I was getting high with people I told them about God. I thought even in my drunkenness God wanted me to tell the world about Him. Little did I know He was there for me not them. He wanted me to submit and follow Him.
The Emotional Awakening
At 38 I pretty much hit rock bottom. All I lived for was to drink and do drugs. There was no happiness, the only friends I had were people I worked and partied with and most of the time I partied alone. Life seemed to be a darkness I couldn’t find my way out of. The twelve-year relationship with two kids and one on the way was just a relationship of convenience, there was no emotion just being there feeling empty.
Over the years I had been looking for someone I fell in love with around the same time I found god. I had lost her over a racist step-father she didn’t get along with so she moved to live with her dad. One night while searching Facebook I found her after twenty-three years, I couldn’t believe it. My dad told me if it was mean’t to be we would find each other again. At fifteen, I wasn’t trying to hear that.
I took this as a sigh from God and left my family to be with her. Leaving everything I have ever known was hard, I already had three kids that didn’t talk to me and now I was Leaving two more plus had one on the way. This happened to be the best decision I had ever made in my life.
New challenges came with leaving. I was still drinking for a little while but It came to the point that if I didn’t stop I would lose the very person that made me happy. So Believing God brought us back together, we started going back to church. The more we went the more I realized that God has always been there with me, talking to me. All I had to do was submit to his will and not my own.
Now at forty-five I have been clean from drugs and alcohol for seven years. My two younger boys are with me and my older three are still living in the world and have some anger issues with me but things are getting better. As for the youngest, she knows I’m dad but I hope to have a better relationship with her soon. Everything is far from perfect but my life is a hundred percent better. I still fight with some bad habits from time to time but I have the support of my loving wife and my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Thanks to Him I am no longer emotionally drained and when I am feeling like everything in my world is crumbling down I call on Him and He makes everything a lot easier.
So all the things I have been through in my life so far have had me emotionally drained, and all it took was for me to realize that the Lord was the only one I needed to turn to. Who knew that submitting myself to him would lift the burden off of my life. He called me time and time again but I just didn’t listen. Now that I figured it out, life has become much better and I know who to trust for all my needs. Thank you my Lord, I will serve you for the rest of my life and ask you to guide me in all that you will have me do.